Death and Love

I learned on New Year’s Day that my 90 year-old grandmother {on my dad’s side} had passed away on New Year’s Eve.  I had a very strange feeling.  It wasn’t sadness, you see I didn’t really have a relationship with her, even though every single time I did get to see her when, say we would drive to Texas at Christmas or Thanksgiving every 5 to 10 years, I would sneak into her bathroom and smell all of her beautiful fancy perfumes and she would come in and show me how she put on her flawless make up and put make up on me.  She reminded me of Marilyn Monroe.  She really was a beautiful lady.  Blonde hair, immaculate skin.  Even until the day she died.  She died at 90 years-old but I failed to say that it was only one week prior to her death that she was living in a house by herself and out driving to the store when all of a sudden realized she didn’t know where she was.  She moved to Atlanta by then and lived next door to her daughter, my aunt.  She frantically called her and my aunt had to go find her.  One week before she died.  But she was not going to buck up like most elderly people do.  My grandfather had been an insurance agent for over 50 years and even though they were separated – but never legally – he had her the top notch insurance for assisted living care.  She gladly gave up her car keys and quickly checked into the family health care center.  For one week.  And then she was gone.

You see, my mom and grandmother hated each other from the moment they met {btw: this is my mom’s version; I did get to hear my grandmother’s side eventually, which I believed to be the actual truth, about 2 years ago…more on that later…}  Growing up, I was always told how evil my grandmother was, even though I felt something in my heart that what I was being told was wrong.  I was told a lot of adult stuff that I should not have heard about but my mom: 1) has no boundaries and 2) can be manipulative, even though it took years for me to see it. My dad will make his typical excuses that she had an awful childhood and an entire rehearsed story, which I’ve heard so many times I could recite word for word. It was only recently that my eyes were opened to see it was my father who I missed all my childhood because all he did was golf and work but I took it out on my mom because my dad was never around. I put my dad on a pedestal all my life thinking he was THE best dad ever. He’s always been a closed minded, typical Bible thumping holy-rolling Christian but like a lot of “Christian’s”, he has 2 sides to him, and I know Christ would be ashamed of what Christianity has turned into. And yes, I’ll be the first to admit that I am still on a very long Spiritual journey but it’s finally on my terms, not his.

I am not close with my family.  I never would have known anything was wrong with my family until that morning my Sophomore year in college as I sat down for my first Child Development class at UA.  I knew when I walked or rather staggered out of that classroom, that my family was not only crazy, we were down right bat shit crazy with a crazy ass cat on our heads! But I have learned that most families are dysfunctional to some extent.  That is until I met my husband.

My husband is cool as friggin shit. #Facts Much more on him later but his family scared the shit out of me for the first 5, maybe even up to 8 years I knew him.  They all hugged and laughed at dinners togethers and they had actual get togethers just for the fun of it.  WTF?!  They would hug me and I would stand stiff praying they would realize I was trying to freeze them out of my personal space.  My personal space at that time was about a 5 to 25 foot radius all around my body depending on the people, place, and how my day was going. People dare not try to enter that oh so special place of mine.  It’s safe and there’s never a crowd.  It was just me and I knew myself – or I thought I did.  And you can ask anyone who has ever known me, my “walls” are EXTREMELY obvious should you meet me or are around me for the first second you see me.  I wear my emotions and that “get the hell away from me look” really well when I want people to stay away from me because I don’t want to be around them {unless it’s someone I do want to be around} so I am the master of body language.  It is literally impossible for me to “fake” any emotion.  It’s because my mother would teach me/brainwash me to always tell the truth no matter what:  JUST ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH!  If you see your brother or sister doing something bad, you come straight to me!  Then you’ll be a good girl.  And after hearing some of the most horrific words come out of my mother’s mouth, I would have done anything for her because I just wanted her to love me so I would just ignore (to some extent) the things she would say to me but hang on to anything that made her happy.  Even if it meant betraying my own sister and brother, both of whom I don’t have a relationship with.

If you haven’t heard about the Enneagram, look it up.  Don’t take any tests first.  You’ll get the results of who you think you are.  Just read about all the types – for a long time.  Think, study, etc and really decide which type you are. Try to guess what I am and my wing. Then I’ll send you a cookie or something. Enneagram types and “wings” and give some really great resources.  You will become obsessed.  At least I sure did.

So long for tonight.  There’s death and love.  I’m here to tell you that authentic love is incredible if you learn what authentic really is.  And also, if you think not one person in this universe doesn’t love you, you are wrong.  I am sending love vibes to you right this second.  So somebody does love you.  I hope you have an incredible week.  You are a very special person.  Just look for the signs.  They are right there.

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