Christianity, Hell, Deconstruction, Lions, Tigers & Bears OH MY!

Not to get too deep into my dysfunctional family background this soon, let’s just say my father is the Prototype Southern Holy Rollin, in the pew every Sunday and every Wednesday.  I recall many mornings and he would be sitting in the dim morning light with his eyes closed in prayer with his Bible opened on the table in front of him.  I have to give him credit.  He has faith.  He is steadfast in his journey and he rarely doubts.

But, he’s also extremely ignorant, stubborn, self-righteous and he {well, the church} really fucked my head up.  I am currently going through deconstruction with a therapist, who over time has become more of a spiritual director – but one that my insurance pays 100% for.  It’s a win, win, really.  But I’m right smack dab in the middle of this “deconstruction” process and it has been a complete and utter nightmare.  When you’ve been told a lie – no, story by your parents {whether intended or unintended} to help you and/or control you from the time you first formed memories – these ideas and thoughts and ideas are ingrained in your being,   It is crazy hard.  I will NEVER, EVER doubt God or a Supreme Being existing.  I’ve encountered God in so many ways throughout my life that I know there is an Energy of Love that I can literally feel in my body or have read something that was coming from the Divine.

So anyway, that was a little bitching.  But I’m allegedly 1/2 through this effed up journey I feel I’m being pulled towards.  Til next time friends!

Growth

It was almost 4 years ago that I first created this blog. I knew in my gut that God wanted me to create it so I listened and created the Blog and even bought the rights to the website name. For 4 years, I’ve mulled over ideas and themes and who I wanted my target audience to be. 4 long years. I turned 40 last spring and starting about 6 months prior to my birthday, I was really, really dreading my birthday for the 1st time in my life. My husband is over a decade older than me so he would tell me at certain ages that “such and such” would happen {“you just wait”, he’d say smiling}. I don’t know what it was about 40 but I was not looking forward to it. Maybe I thought that meant you were an official adult? Maybe it was because my doctor said that “middle age women commonly face what I was going through”. Wait. Excuse me, doc? What does my issue have to do with middle aged women? I left his office just bewildered at this comment. After getting home and telling my husband the weird comment, he looked me in the eye and said “Babe, he said that because you are a middle aged woman.” What? TF you say! Whatever! What does he know? He’s such a guy! Only to slowly “become awake” to the fact that oh my gosh, “I WAS A MIDDLE-EFFIN-AGED WOMAN”. So I’ve been on a long, twisted, up and down journey to become an official “mature” middle-aged effin woman. This blog will be about a lot of shit but I know for sure that it is something God wants me to do. I love to write and I’ve been told I’m decent at it so if you like reading everything from goofy, sarcastic, deep-thinking, thought-provoking to me asking you questions, follow me. This is completely new for me. I may fail but I’m going out on a limb and saying Fuck You FEAR! It’s time to use my gift. I hope to see you next time.